Holiday, No Classes.

Since there's no classes because of Labor Day.. these are some things that i did yesterday..

Had a nap with my dawggy cassie
2 lazy thugs
we just woke up
i decided to go somewhere since there is nothin to do at home..
went to eastwood city..

then had my dinner @ pho hoa (vietnamese resto) coz im uber hungry


what will i order? hmmmm..
spring rolls... yummm.
fishbowl iced tea that i ordered @ jack's loft.
and voila.. the main dish.. kung pao spicy chicken
damn im such a pig. lol.
went strolling after dinner.. and.. saw that ironman is already showing in the cinemas..
so i decided to watch it..Oscar nominee Robert Downey Jr. stars as Tony Stark/Iron Man in the story of a billionaire industrialist and genius inventor who is kidnapped and forced to build a devastating weapon. Instead, using his intelligence and ingenuity,
Tony builds a high-tech suit of armor and escapes captivity.
When he uncovers a nefarious plot with global implications, he dons his powerful armor and vows to protect the world as Iron Man. The film also stars Oscar winner Gwyneth Paltrow and Oscar nominees Terrence Howard and Jeff Bridges and is directed by Jon Favreau.

Iron Man isn't the most well-known or beloved title in the Marvel comic book canon,
yet the film adaptation proves to be as plucky, as confident, and as polished as if it were the keystone.

I really liked the movie.

Family

Cassie

Whammie

additional members to our family. hehehe.. i have 2 dawgs here.. one is the american pitbull terrier named cassie and the other is my sister's dawg named whammie which is a shi tzu (the mop, which tim prefers to call the dawg lol). i just got cassie last month.. i really had a hard time adjusting taking care of a dawg because its been like 4 years ago the last time i had a dawg.. well.. there are time that im really pissed.. had a lot of additional things to do. but most of the time it really loosens me up.. when im tired.. then whammie arrived here just last week.. now i have another additional loads of chores to do.. but it really pays off watching them play around the house.. they make me happy.

Permit

I finally got my student permit.. thanks to my mom who's been hiding my birth cert for a long time so that i couldnt get one.. she doesn't want me to have a license because she knows that ill be using the car most of the time.. especially when i go out on a weekend.. lol.. but.. sorry to her i already got myself one. yay! but i still cant drive though. i need to wait for 1 month to get my non-professional driver's license. when i get my license i can now drive anywhere you want to dubs! heheheh

IM A FCUKIN LAMER!

my life these past few weeks has been so lame. im so tired of livin.. i am not over reacting or whatsoever. its just that i dont know what am i goin to do with my effin life. i havent heard from him since feb 28. ive sent him mails, messages, i even called him but i havent heard from him even a single word or whatsoever. if only abu dhabi is just a block away from here and ill clear things up but its not. he doesnt believe me that i am not cheating on him. i dont know. i dont know what to say. i dont know how to prove it.. but i know, in my mind and in the eyes of God that i havent done anything that would hurt him. i love him so much and i dont wanna put myself in a situation that i will regret one day. now i am not in the mood for anything. i am affected with the situation, ofcourse who wouldnt be if theyre in the same situation as mine. im just here.. waiting.. i dont know if i am still waiting for something.. i dont wanna lose him.. he is my life, my inspiration and my everything. i couldnt blame him if hes paranoid or what because he is far away from me. i do get paranoid most of the time but i always keep in mind that i should give my trust.. i really do trust him. i just alway remember what he always say.. "someone has to pay the bills.." if only i have all the money in this world, if only i am filthy rich so that he wouldnt have to work so far away from me. sigh..

Thesis..

just got home from school.. just finished doin the final manuscript which is due tom.
first thing..
i went to school by 9 am for my classes til 12..
then made the other stuffs needed for the documentation til 945 pm..
damn.. i havent eaten the whole day.. then went out of school to find a computer shop to print tons of paper works.. then after that went to the nearest photocopy center to make a copy of the manuscript..which is 700 plus pages..
then arranged it manually one by one.. it was finished by 130 am.
i went home.. dont have any public transportation so i decided to walk from school going home..
now im here at home..
so tired.. so exhausted.
im goin to post some stuffs here maybe tom after school.
i still have classes in the morning.
shiet. i am so whacked up right now..
well it shows on how i blah on my blog now.
gnyt yall.
hope it'll all turn out well..
i do hope..
pray for me.
sigh.

Makes Me Want To Scream

Came home exhausted
Still thinking about you
Checked the inbox only
To find that there is nothing new
It’s like hoping for the sun to rise
In the midst of heavy rains
Yeah, we better have this analyzed
Before I turn insane
And all you ever do is understand
Your usual selfish side
How come it comes down to nothing?
When I’ve swallowed my own pride
Can’t see what’s the point
In being your slave for eternity
But I stand here waiting
Enduring the pain that’s killing me
Now, I’m sort of thinking
How about me leaving you?
You will cry, you will sigh and you
Is there anything you wouldn’t do?
Then you’ll buy my patience
How come I can’t turn you down?
I’m so confused, and so inflamed
I just can’t stand to see you frown
Sun has fallen from the sky
Stars no longer shining
Purple sky has turned gray
And it makes me want to
Scream
Moon no longer giving light
Us no longer talking
Rain would not shower love
And it makes me want to
Scream
I will stand here waiting
By the time the sun comes falling
I will be there for you
Can’t stand it
I’d be there for you....

Bleeding..

Forget About Me- Little Bit

You said, it wasn't gonna be like it was before.
Then it happened again.
Pushing me back out the door.
Thought it would be for real this time.
Love me forget about the signs.
So now what do i do?
Now that I know that we're through.

Refrain:
Wish that I could move on
Can't let go, it's too strong
Just like that and then you're gone
If this how you want it to be?
Everything you had to say
Sent the tears right down my face
Now I'm trying to escape
The misery

Chorus:
Why don't you love me?
The way I'd loved you
It feels so crazy
'Coz I don't know what I did to you
If you're gonna hurt me
Then do it quickly
'Coz I'm tired of cryin'
If you don't wanna stick around
Then, baby forget about me.

Too late, sorry.
I didn't have the chance
You said you were happy
Baby, I don't understand
Gave you everything you asked for
And was ready to give you a lot more
I would've given you the world
Right in the palm of your hand.

Refrain:
Wish that I could move on
Can't let go, it's too strong
Just like that and then you're gone
Was this how you want it to be?
Everything you had to say
Sent the tears right down my face
Now I'm trying to escape
The misery

Chorus:
Why don't you love me?
The way I'd loved you
It feels so crazy
'Coz I don't know what I did to you
If you're gonna hurt me
Then do it quickly
'Coz I'm tired of cryin'
If you don't wanna stick around
Then, baby forget about me.

Boy, my heart was true
And that you can't deny
Don't be a fool
And walk away from all the lies
It's up to you
'Coz heaven knows I've tried
Tell me you're still in love.

Chorus:
Why don't you love me?
The way I'd loved you
It feels so crazy
'Coz I don't know what I did to you
If you're gonna hurt me
Then do it quickly
'Coz I'm tired of cryin'
If you don't wanna stick around
Then, baby forget about me.

Forget about me
I really love you.

Broken / Shattered Playlist

Current Songs that im listening to..

Over?

I watch the walls around me crumble
But it's not like I won't build them up again
So here's your last chance for redemption
So take it while it lasts 'cause it will end
I won't be the one to chase you
But at the same time
You're the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel, the less I'm whole
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye
And I'll be the first to go
Yeah, I'll be the first to go
Don't wanna be the last to know
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye
I can't live without you
Can't breathe without you
I'm dreaming about you, honestly
Tell me that it's over
'Cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living
It won't be right if we're not in it together
Tell me that it's over
Honestly tell me

Don't tell me that it's over...

Excerpt from Over by Lindsay Lohan

Something I Never Had..

sigh. i dont know where to start this freakin post.
alright.. im done doin the documentation of my thesis proposal..
what for?
i dont know.
before i met tim i want to stop schooling.
coz im so sick of studying.
then i met him.
hes the reason why i am eager to graduate.
but now.. i dont know.
i need to focus but i cant.
where's my inspiration?
who am i doin this for?
yeah i know i need to do it for myself..
but he's the one who brought back faith in me.
now it's all gone..
i dont know
is it all gone?

Do you see me? Do you feel me like I feel you?
Call your number I cannot get through
You don't hear me and I don't understand
When I reach out, oh I don't find your hand

Where they wasted words and did they mean a thing?
And all that precious time but I still feel so in between

Some day I just keep pretending
That you'll stay, dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had

Oh I keep tellin' myself things can turn around with time
And if I wait it out you could always change your mind
Like a fairy tale oh where it works out in the end
Can I close my eyes? Have you lying here again

Then I come back down and then I fade back in
And then I realize it's just what might have been

Some day I just keep pretending
That you'll stay, dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had

Am I a shadow on your wall?
Am I anything at all? Anything to you
Am I a secret that you keep?
Do you dream me while your sleeping after all?

Some day I just keep pretending
That you'll stay, dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had
That I never had

I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had

You don't see me
You don't feel me like I feel you

I've been busy

Well i havent posted anything for a long time. thats because ive been busy with school works.. (my thesis proposal in particular).. i havent called my bf that much in the past few weeks.. i thought he's mad but it turned out well.. it was his birthday yesterday.. he thought that i forgot his "day".. ofcourse i dint.. why will i? hhehehe.. belated happy birthday again my dubs.. well at last im already finished with the documentation of my thesis and im just waiting for the oral defense this march 8.. i do hope to pass.. after all the hard works.. damn.. ive shed blood and tears doin that fuckin thesis.. lol... and now its our midterm examination week.. damn... and i need to finish a project within this week.. its a website for my major subject and im doin it alone.. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! well anyways ill keep you guys posted after this damn shits.. (as if theres a lot of people readin my blahs!) LOL!

IS IT YOU??

I'm looking for a lover not a friend

Somebody who can be there when I need someone to talk to

I'm looking for someone who won't pretend

Somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you

And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,

Someone who can keep me real and who knows the way

The way I like to have my way

And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,

Wants to share, shows she cares

Im Thinking you're the one that I've been waiting for

I'm looking for someone to share my pain

Someone who I can run to, who will stay with me when it rains

Someone who I can cry with through the night

Someone who I can trust who's heart is right

someone who wont take for granted

How much I care

And appreciates that I'm there

Someone who listens

And someone I can call who isn't afraid of love to share

IS IT YOU?

Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for

Could you be the one for me?

Could you be the one I need?

Walkin Alone

Blindfolded and walking alone,

That's what most of us feel..

In a life time full of major risks and decisions,

It might seem safer to remain STAGNANT..

But isn't it more fulfilling if despite the fear of falling from a cliff and all bruised knees, steps were taken?

In the end, losing and mistakes won't count.

What matters most is the person we turned out to be.

Not NAIVE but WISE and beautifully molded by EXPERIENCES..

Where do i belong?

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where I belong.
I want to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where I lie, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry my eyes.
Broken inside.

My feelings I hide.
My dreams I can't find.
I'm losing my mind.
I've fallen behind.
I can't find my place.
I'm losing my faith.
I've fallen from grace.
I'm all over the place.

fuck this shit

i really hate this.
I'm so much sick of this freakin lifestyle.
i don't know, its like i am deprived to do things that i want to do in my own place.
i mean its not my own place. i live somewhere, where i need to adjust and pretend that i am nice to people whom i don't really feel like living with.
i don't have no choice. i still don't earn my own money. if only I'm already earning and i would really love to have my own place.
if only i don't have this freakin thesis proposal i would love to go back to my mom's place.
its much nicer to live there.. i mean really nice.. where you could really say that place is a home. not like here.. i really cant move. its like I'm at small room and I'm suffocated, bit by bit.. running out of air. its really hard dealing with people with different personalities. thats the reason why i go somewhere after school, i really hope i can get over this shit.
ps:
if youre one of the person im living with and now you're reading this post.. now you're aware of how im feelin.

EMO MODE. T_T

i don't know why I'm feeling so sad today..
i really hate this feeling.
I'm just stuck here in my PC.
just finished doing homework.
and I'm playing this song again and again..
it makes me more sad.

Wait for You


[Verse 1]
I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]
So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

[Chorus]
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]
It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]
Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]
So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afriad of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you wanted to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do

[Chorus]
Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

Just so you know that I'm missing you badly.
*sigh*
T_T

Alone?

Being alone sometimes gives you space to grow.


Sometimes its hard to grow when youre too close to someone.


Remember the trees are planted far from each other,


so they can spread their branches and be matured..

SURF.. BEACH.. SUMMER

i really cant wait for summer.. i love goin to the beach.. i love the sun. would love to try surfing.. but i think its not as easy as skateboarding.. but i do hope to be with my dubs when i get back to the beach.. and he'll teach me how to surf. i really do hope. I'm already anticipating.

fuck.. but before that i have to face things at school which is the oral defense of our thesis proposal. if only i can fast forward things so that i could skip the things that i wanted to.

every summer i always make it a point to go the beach for like 3 to four times. unlike in the US where beaches are near the city.. here we have to travel for so many hours..and it costs a lot.. but i do love travelling.. been to so many places but i still want to go and see places that i have never been to.

and i do hope to travel and go places with my bf.. so that i could really cherish it all... mushy!!! hahahaha!!

I JUST MISS MY DUBBY

i miss this guy so much.. its been almost 3 months since he went out of the country.. i really miss him..

i miss the old times when we talk until we fall asleep. i miss hearing him snore.. lol

though he calls me most of the time.. i just miss the old days.. but soon.. well be together again.. i even talked to him earlier before i went to school.. it made my day hearing his voice again. though were far away, miles apart from each other we both make an effort to update things with whats happening. he calls sends emails sms most of the time but im really lookin forward in being with him.. i am really glad i met a guy like him.. i couldn't ask for more.. he's more than enough.

ASSHOLE DAY..

Well.. last night.. i reviewed for an exam that was supposed to be today.. but apprently when i fuckin got myself into school my professor wasnt there.. and my bf was callin me last night too but the fuckin network wont let him get through. good thing he called to our landphone but the fuckin line is delayed.. i mean he can hear me, i can hear him but the voice is delayed. i woke up this morning by his call.. twas great.. though im still sleepy we talked for awhile.. i just miss him.. so... much! i really cant wait to be with him soon. i know youll read this one.. always keep in mind that im here.. lovin you. too chessy right? what the heck i just love you.



btw this is a bit overdue coz i told him that ill make myself a blog.. and here it is after a few months.. im really not into this things.. coz im so lazy blogging.. but i think i wont be.. im starting to like it..



im here at a computer shop near my school.. i played an online game before doin this post. well.. this post doesnt make sense right? lol.. you dont have any choice but to read my shit.



til the next post..

This is ME. This is what I AM..

I've been hiding in the "closet" for like 3 years i think.. it is really hard.. REALLY HARD.. theres a lot of things that i cant do or cant say. its like im a prisoner of my own self. i really cant accept the fact that i am gay. i was homophobic before.. i really cant stand whenever people around me talk about the gender issues. it really bugs me. and i tend to divert my attention unto something else.

Just last year.. i started coming "OUT" to my older sister that i am like this.. she accepted me and shes the first one to know within my family.. then to some of my close friends at school. it was really unexpected coz we were playing a game.. the game made me confess. at first i thought theyre not goin to accept me for who am i. twas really nice of them to say that theyre proud of me that i confessed.

Then i broke up with my bf.. (been havin secret relationships before with guys. gawd twas really hard..) one of the reason why i outed myself.. dont want to tell the whole story what he did.. then i met TIM.. he is the reason why i accepted myself for bein like this.. i mean, yeah i am different from the others.. unlike my cousins who are straight.. i am really different. tim made me realized that i should be proud of what and who am i.. he made a blog that tells everything about third sex.. then he showed me how wonderful life is when youre not hiding anything. it really made me loosen up with the pressure and all that stuffs.

here's my fav line from his blog, actually its his header:

THEY LAUGH AT US BECAUSE WE ARE DIFFERENT, WE LAUGH AT THEM BECAUSE THEYRE ALL THE SAME.. WE KNOW WHO WE ARE, WE LEARNED TO LIVE AND LOVE, AND THUS, ONLY GOD WILL JUDGE US.

And now.. I can say that I AM REALLY PROUD OF WHAT I AM.. i am not ashamed for bein like this. i dont care what others say about me. love me or hate me for what i am.. i dont care. just as long as i know that i am not doing anything bad or anything that would hurt others ill continue living my life the way i want it to be.

BE PROUD.. THATS WHAT I ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND..